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16 Slaps From My Father

Loop Aznavour's first album, recorded in 2005

16 Slaps From My Father cover


Liner Notes

01 - Karaoke King

This is actually a form of entertainment in some places.

Both disturbing and horrific in equal measures. There really is no excuse is there? I know because I do it.

Karaoke king, karaoke king
   I'm a tugging on your heart strings

02 - King Kong

Have you ever been to the gym?

Have you really?

These people do exist. They have no friends besides the other people that live there and detest alcohol and dead animal food.

Video plays
   all heads are turned,
I'm a designer adonis
   in a fat free world

03 - President Of The Noise Abatement Society

It's for the general good of the neighbourhood. We don't want parties going on at all hours. Not if we're not invited, anyway.

You turn my stomach with your disco beats,
   the walls 'round here are thinner than paper sheets

04 - Every Home Should Have One

A song about someone withdrawing into themselves and losing the plot. Sounds like fun doesn't it? Not as miserable as it seems (the song, not the withdrawing bit).

I was feeling like Presley,
   I was bloated and confused,
so I slept for fifteen hours
   in my favourite shoes

05 - Missing Presumed Stupid

A simple happy song about the follies of youth where you disappear for days on end then realize that you have to wipe your own ass.

One more kitten that's miles from home
   a drooling mass of chromosones
   and no sweet birds were smiling down on you.
When you carry that weight
   you're gonna dance to a different tune

06 - Dwarf Nebula

An instrumental that for some reason reminds me of Sunday school. On no condition must you go there, for it is an evil place.

07 - Hans!

This poor man has lost everything; his house, wife, car - the lot. But on a happier note he's living in a stable economy.

   living in a green and pleasant land

08 - Year Of The Goat

Not really sure what this one's about. Words strung together for the sake of it, because I liked the sound. If you have any ideas please tell me, I'm dying to know.

I walk the path
   between the beard and tash
'til it bursts like an egg that's too tight

09 - Sweetheart

A song about being miserable and sarcastic in equal measures to your other half.

You gonna polish my ball and chain?
   Everything's dinky and life's still the same.
Fantastic planet that drives me insane,
   come on kiss me... sweetheart

10 - Porn Star

If you worked in this line of industry and caught something unfortunate I suspect your chances of a sustained career would be limited.

Pleased to meet you I'm a porn star,
   reflection of the man you think you are,
a thing of beauty, but you don't fool me,
   'cause you'll never, never, never reach that far

11 - The Birthday Song

When people have babies they really like them and show you pictures and things. Stop it! It's neither big nor clever. Nine times out of ten these children, as they are known, deserve a good kicking and are spoilt brats.

p.s. I don't have any.

Destroy these Frankensteins,
   that live in grown men's minds
and nestle deep inside
   our daughters' thighs

12 - Mould

No matter how hard you try, you will never look better than you do today. It's all down hill from here.

   I still feel like a centrefold

13 - Battery Farm

A song about treading water. Stop doing it, the water pays no mind but you do.

Oh mini Marquis de Sade,
   you know you try too hard.
You brought it on yourself,
   when you tread upon those egg shells

14 - Tiny Helicopters

Bees - hey? they haven't changed in ages, they sting and die. On a purely technical level they shouldn't be able to fly. I don't think they do, people throw them.

You're a tiny helicopter of skin and bones

15 - Let Us In

The song the Pickford Brothers used as the theme tune for their Naked War game, and I'm very glad they did.

The original idea was to send up early punk type records like those by the Subway Sect and Ramones. My guitar on this sounds tinny because I used a 2 watt amp with a flat battery, so throw away those Marshall stacks (curse you Hendrix) because the only way to get a good, cheap sound is to use good, cheap equipment.

I have often wondered why people want to appear on reality TV shows and become celebs for their inability to do anything but be a celeb.

There is not one escapes its grasp
There is not one learns from the past
   The light pours out of every hole,
   aiming for that goal,
now let us in

16 - Ugly Little Ornament

(Instrumental) A bike pump, a bad attitude and a harpsichord... All you need really.


Recorded in Bury, England in the year 2005.

All tracks written by D. Caldwell and performed by Loop-Aznavour.

Cover by Loop-Aznavour and Ste Pickford.

© 2005 Loop-Aznavour. Published by Zee-3.